Hello, my darlings!! And welcome back to another blog post. From the title, you know that I am going to come at you live with yet another vulnerable piece. But for my returners y’all know this isn’t new, so let’s get into it. Also if you are a first-timer here, HEY!
I can be needy. Emotionally needy. I like to know that I’m thought about. I want to hear that I am doing well, great or bad. I need reassurance. I used to view this as a bad thing to the point that I never asked for what I wanted or needed. Emotionally, physically or spiritually. So if I needed affirmation, I didn’t ask. If I needed new clothes, I didn’t ask. And my prayers were so surface level. No depth, no vulnerability, nothing.
Due to COVID 19, the world has been on lockdown and it’s been tough emotionally. I have been having about ten epiphanies a day. I have been talking my self through many, many, many mistakes that I have made, and how I have wronged people through mini therapy sessions with myself. Social distancing has been tough. I am the type of person that values her alone time but to an extent. I loved it when I CHOSE to be home, but being forced to is different.
The silence in my empty apartment can be so loud. Depressingly so at times. The pre-therapy, pre-Jesus, pre-self love SOMS comes out to play. I start thinking, scratch that, overthinking. I wonder why hasn’t so and so checked in on me? Am I a good person or am I just pretending to be? Will I achieve my goals? Are my goals too big? Am I enough? Why wasn’t I enough for someone in my past? It’s exhausting, and the silence feels inescapable.
This year my goal has been to communicate my needs and this social distancing has been holding me accountable. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? It’s like that saying “closed mouths don’t get fed.” But if you grew up not knowing how to ask, then what? If you have never known that you needed or even liked something, how do you go about it? How does one unlearn or learn at an adult age, how to ask something that she/he should have at a young age?
Asking for something that I need/want is difficult. Maybe it also comes from internal pressure to not feel like a burden to anyone that I just keep keeping on. For me it requires vulnerability. Asking for emotional assistance requires letting someone know that I need them. I need that ” you are doing great, sweetie” from my friends and family. I want that “you are beautiful” from time to time. In a society where dependence is marketed as weakness consistently, asking for things is hard.
I can see how people view neediness as a bad trait. But that’s when someone ONLY depends on other people to make them feel like they are enough, or when they view their worth solely from what people think of them. Y’all, there is a balance. A friend once said, “there is a fine line between knowing and understanding that I don’t need people in the same way that I need the Lord, but I still need people as an active part of my life.” You can not do it alone. There are such things as healthy dependencies. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes and it’s okay. You can’t be tough all the time. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to ask for help, its okay to ask for a hug. It is okay to ask for emotional assistance every now and then.
The best thing about asking for help is that there are people that want to help you. Ask your close friends, your family, a teacher or professor that you are close to, etc. Go to someone you trust. This may sound crazy but try reaching out on social media too. Hear me out. One day I was having a tough morning and I posted about it on Snapchat and Instagram. I listed the things that were going wrong then I asked if someone could send me some encouraging words. The response was amazing. The people that messaged me were a mixture of my close friends, friends of friends, and social media friends that I didn’t think cared. Originally I didn’t think that people would respond. Asking for encouragement on social media showed me that you never know who is secretly rooting for you.
Putting yourself out there doesn’t make you weak. Don’t let society get in your mind and fool you. I have come to realize that sadly no one can read my mind. (Rude, I know but we move forward.) It’s not healthy for me to have unspoken needs or expectations for the people in my life. It leads to disappointment and its no one’s fault but mine. No one can help me if they don’t know what’s wrong.
I mentioned in the beginning that communicating my needs is my goal this year. Social distancing has been tough but it has also challenged me to work on that goal. When I know I need or want human interaction, I ask for it. I want affirmation? I ask for it. Want a FaceTime date? I ask for it. Need answers? I pray very detailed prayers about what it is I need clarity on. Doing this has made social distancing less lonely, bettered my friendships, and kept me out of my head.
If doing all this makes me needy then, “Alexa play needy by Ariana Grande on full blast.” The truth is everyone can be needy sometimes and that’s okay. During this pandemic, I challenge you to reach and ask for emotional assistance. Lean on your community, don’t stay in the silence for too long; things will get better.
Until next time,
~Just a reminder:
You are doing great sweetie. No one can walk in your shoes and do what you do. I know that times can be tough but do your best and keep your head up. Your story is not finished yet.
*Thank you to Purshia Gambles, Marcus Henderson, and Mary Onishi for helping me edit this piece.