Hello my darlings, for those who keep up with my blogs, it has been a HOT minute since I have blogged. My plan was to write as much as possible, but summer classes got in the way. I finished my last final for the summer today so I AM BACK! At the beginning of the summer, I made a goal of submitting one of my writing to a magazine. This is something I have always wanted to do since forever but I always put it off. So when I found Harness Magzine, a publishing platform made for women by women, I took that leap of faith and to my surprise they liked my piece!
This the most transparent and vulnerable I have ever been with anyone besides my therapist, so I hope this piece makes everyone that reads it feel some type of way.
To whom it may concern,
I loved you. I really did; at least I think I did. Did I lie about having feelings for you? Yes, but I think you knew that. In this letter, I want to discuss why I fell in love with you and why I think you didn’t fall for me. Trust, it was not your hazel eyes, your perfect teeth or your beautiful plump lips…those were all just cherries on top. I fell in love with you because you were accountable, funny and it was always easy opening up to you. Mind you, I had a boyfriend at the time. But to be perfectly honest, most of the time I was thinking of you and how fast time always went by with our shenanigans, inside jokes, the maybes of you and I.I become so in awe of the thought of you that I became obsessive. Looking back, I was a mess because I wanted to be everything to you. I wanted to be the first thing you thought of when you woke up and the last when you went to sleep. I wanted to be the one to bring you closer to God, the one to save you from your addiction…I wanted everything with you… which caused me to act crazy. I can see how I was suffocating you and why you wanted to leave. Two years later and I still miss you, but the friendship we had wasn’t healthy and you were right to end it. Although we had some good times, we were still broken people that hurt each other. I didn’t love myself, I had depression with a sprinkle of anxiety, and I was spiritually lost. I wanted validation and someone to love me, so I chose you. You saw my ugly, never spoke on it, and I saw your ugly and as blunt as I am, I spoke on it. I really thought after I got the help we could be friends again, but we both changed since you left. I fell in love with the person I wanted you to be that I don’t think I ever really got to know you. I’m sorry about that, but I do hope you are doing well, surrounded by friends that love you and that you are happy. I really hope you’re happy and that maybe one day we meet again, but this time it would be different.
An old friend,
Thank you so much for Harness Magazine for publishing my piece. I hope you guys read it with an open-minded and enjoyed it in any way.
Until next time my darlings,